Brief Interviews with Hideous Terra Nova Characters
Jim: Hey, uh, can we make this short? I’m kinda a busy guy.
RCN: No problem. You do have a variety of talents at Terra Nova. I just wanted to start with-
Jim: Sorry to interrupt, but I think your voice recorder just broke.
RCN: Wow, thanks. I guess the batteries just died.
Jim: No problem, I can get them! [Jumps, flies out of room. Returns a few minutes later.] I found some!
RCN: Uh, thanks, but I had some right here in my bag.
Jim: Okay. So what did you want to talk—wait, I think someone, somewhere is in trouble. I’ll be back!
-
RCN: So, Maddy, your storyline with Private Handsome has started to heat up in recent weeks. What can you tell me about that?
Maddy: Well, it was really nothing.
RCN: That’s it?
Maddy: Well, we just had some fun. [Smiles.]
RCN: Come on…
Maddy: Well, we were out there for our first date, and then we were stuck out there. So we had to put mud on ourselves to—
RCN: No, I saw the episode too. How did you feel? Excited? Sexy?
Maddy: It was such a great time, like, the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about how pure this all is—
RCN: Seriously? A non-religious girl with Christian thoughts of sexuality in 2149? You seemed, initially, like such an interesting character. What happened?
Maddy: What do you mean?
RCN: Seriously? This is how the smart character on the show acts?
Maddy: What?
-
RCN: So, in this episode, you took serious steps towards getting your girlfriend to Terra Nova. Were you glad for some forward movement in that storyline?
Josh: …no one was supposed to know that except Mira. [sulks]
RCN: Ha. Well, what do you think about that plotline?
Josh: Stop it! You never trust me!
RCN: I’ve never met you before.
Josh: You don’t get me! No one does!
RCN: [getting frustrated] Are you the worst character on this show, or is it a tie?
[In jumps in Jim, swinging on a rope, screaming, with a machine gun.]
Jim: Stop it! Don’t hurt my son!
RCN: But-
Josh: Get away from me! Everybody!
RCN: This is, depressingly, in-character for both of you.
Jim/Josh [in unison]: What? [they look at each other, empty stares in everyone’s eyes]
-
RCN: Zoe - you’ve been a key plot mechanism since the pilot. Yet your parents seem very forgetful of you and keep you in danger. How does that make you feel?
Zoe: They always say sorry.
RCN: But how many times will that work? Isn’t there a limit of stupidity on this show?
[Jim flies in on an anachronistic helicopter, just for the hell of it.]
Jim: I sensed danger!
RCN: [to Jim] Last episode, you were trapped in a room. You sensed how to break out, and then for some reason, you were shooting arrows at the Sixers, even though we’ve only known you to be a street cop before this. Can you do everything? Are you Superman? Because I’ll tell you, Superman is a boring character.
Jim: But I fix things.
RCN: You’re not Jack Shephard, not even close. You fix everything, every episode. You always have your nose in everything. And yet you always disobey Commander Taylor’s orders, which are usually pretty level-headed. It’s like, everything you’re wrong about in the first act you’re right about by the third. Any thoughts on any of this? On anything? Does anybody think?
Jim: Sorry, I have to kill a dinosaur with a harpoon. Be right back!
RCN: [throws hands in the air]
-
RCN: Okay, Mira, you started good, like some of the others, but now you only speak in ominous platitudes. Want to prove me wrong?
Mira: If you speak like that to me again, you’ll be sorry.
RCN: There’s a difference between a mysterious character and an awful, boring one. Would you care to point out the difference, particularly by using every scene you’ve ever been in?
[Jim teleports in, because he just can, and kicks her in the face.]
RCN: At least that was kind of warranted, I guess. This show sucks.
Jim: Hey, this is my family you’re talking about!
RCN: The writers did say if the show failed to tell a human story at its center, then it would fail. They were right. But I’m shocked at how thoroughly the show is failing to tell any type of a compelling story. Can you at least admit, a tad, that this show has some problems?
Jim: Come in, everybody!
Enter Elisabeth, Maddy, Josh, Zoe, with Servants and Attendants. Flourish with trumpets.
Jim: Now you say those things about my family.
RCN: This show sucks.
Jim: Now you’re going to get it! [Begins to ready Doomsday Machine]
RCN: [shoots Jim]
All: [gasp]
Elisabeth: Why did you do that to my husband?
RCN: Is that really what you would say? All you do is work anyway, go and fix him. I’m done with this show. Every character is just not even close, and even the plotting is terribly slipshod. There’s too much good television on to bother with something that’s wasted all its potential in a few episodes.
[unknown voice, from within]: Uh, I think we had an interview scheduled.
-
RCN: [hair disheveled, pen, paper, and voice recorder long since gone] So…just say something.
Dinosaur: Well, let’s be honest. The show hasn’t gone as well as I hoped, to be sure. When they recruited us, they told us it’d be like Lost.
RCN: [harrumphs] Yeah right.
Dinosaur: I know. But we know of the problems, and if the television gods are gracious to give us a second season - a second chance, if you will…
Both: [laugh]
Dinosaur: Then, you know, maybe we can rectify some of the character and plotting issues everyone’s been bringing up. Maybe we can have some pulpy fun. I don’t think we’ll ever be Breaking Bad-
RCN: You watch Breaking Bad?
Dinosaur: Of course. I was Tío Salamanca for Halloween. Anyway, I don’t think we’ll ever hit that level. But maybe we can just be a good time every Monday night. And if not…then me and my buddies will just have some half-baked characters for dinner.
Both: [laugh]
-
But seriously, I think I’m done.
