Ramblings Concerning Nothing

Is it gay…to comment on another guy’s features?

So last night I’m at Rogue’s dorm. There’s a guy there I’ve never met before but I’ve been told of his dashing looks. I bring up that people always tell me that I look like the kid from Rebound (yes, that movie), and he says people tell him he looks like Tom Cruise. I say yeah, he has sharp features.

Too much? I think the guy getting a little weirded out added to my confusion at the question, but I don’t know if it really is something to get creeped out by. Especially in this situation: I was simply agreeing with him by saying both him and Tom Cruise have physically attractive jawlines.

Another man can comment on any girl, even a very close friend without consequence; I have no shame when it comes to telling girls about their features (partially because they don’t have the subtle intensity a man’s body does).

I think you can comment on a man’s physical features without it being considered a homosexual remark. (I’m not gay, by the way.) You could comment on his clothes, like, hey, that’s a nice shirt, or hey, I bet I could undo those pants with my teeth.

I think accessories are a little different though. That shows you’re looking a little too hard at him. (Heh! Get it? Hard? Aw, I know, I’m a homersexual. I mean homosexual. I don’t even know the correct terminology I’m so far away from it. Totally not one of those Freddie Mercury types.) That would be gay. Like, if you said, I like your ring, is that your class ring?, that’s totally queer, because why would you think about that so much? But I don’t see any issues in speaking fondly of his blue Vans, accidentally tripping, and in the process taking off his pants and giving him a luscious blowjob.

It’s tricky to rock a rhyme to rock a rhyme that’s right on time, and it’s also tricky to comment on a man’s muscles and the like. I think it has to be somewhat in awe of the person. Like, wow, I want abs like that. I think that’s straight. I also think it’s fine to say something like, man, I want to feel his anal sphincter muscles! No harm in that. I doubt Rogue’s friend would’ve been offended by that. But if you just comment randomly to the person, you have hot abs, I think that’s totally fucking flaming and I hate you and don’t want you to marry.

By the way, I have a funny story. The other day I was driving straight down a road and the car next to me was playing George Michael. They must be gay, you know, because that’s homo music! I ran those fuckers off the road! Take that, you clean fucks! I don’t know anything about that guy. I definitely don’t think I Want Your Sex (Part II) way outdoes Part I and I think he blows Robbie Williams, my other favorite artist, out of the water.

The face has different rules, though. I don’t think you can ever really comment on a guy’s facial features. Saying, you have nice eyes, that might be gay, even if he does have delicious eyes you want to cover with your seed after an all-night fuckfest.

Something else that bothers me (a little off-topic here, sorry) is guys at the shower. I mean, you walk right out of there dripping wet, shirtless! You almost are begging me to dream about you unearthing that towel, letting me touch your gigantic member tenderly while lapping your hairy legs with my tongue, and then expanding my horizons in anal sex for the ages. I mean, if I thought that, that would be totally justified. I’m gay? Wait! I meant to add a ‘not’ in there! I know I’m straight! I love women and their sandbag-feeling breasts! I despise those stupid homo cocksuckers! They disgust me!

No, seriously, I’m not gay and I hate them all! I’m going to watch lesbian porn now to prove to myself how much I hate gays!

[Just for the record, while I was writing this I was eating breadsticks. And to answer the question in the topic: No.]